DEAR JANET
Jose Useche
Welcome to the Janet Weiss School of Romance
I know, I know! If you’re familiar with my story, you probably think I’m ill-equipped to offer any insight on dating, sex, and romance, but I’m here to set the record straight. I’m proud to say that despite our life-changing, devastating turn at Dr. Frank-N-Furter’s castle, Brad and I have been stronger than ever. We have a baby on the way, and I still possess the complexion and breasts of a 20-year-old TikToker, so it’s safe to say I know a thing or two about getting a guy and keeping the guy, even amid inexplicable extraterrestrial drama and conflama.
Besides, I’m only human. Which is more than I can say for some of us out there posing as doctors in abandoned castles on the side of a highway!! Those are the kind of people that should be barred from giving advice, not young beautiful naive blondes with wide vibrato and a tense mix. The world needs to hear from us and our delicate voices!
And so I come to you, flaws and all, to teach you how to pick yourself back up from the literal rubble, get your fiance to forgive you for sleeping with a muscle man humanoid, and do what you originally set out to do: have your former science teacher marry the two of you in a show of appreciation and nostalgia.
Without further ado, I hereby enroll you in the Janet Weiss School of Romance. Our first lesson? Surviving betrayal, jealousy-induced horniness and winning back the love of your life after you were hoodwinked by a trio of aliens.
Acknowledge that Monogamy is a Trap
I’ll admit, this one took me a while to figure out. It took me even longer to figure out how to spell monogamy! Who among us has not discovered a mad-scientist-alien-transvestite, disguised as you of course, seduced your finance while you were supposed to be resting in a separate bedroom as part of an elaborate ruse? Exactly. Jealousy is a tricky sexy beast, and after some serious soul searching and extensive couples therapy with a doctor we trusted/wasn’t an alien, Brad and I realized…we want to play with other people. And chances are, so does your partner!
Whoever said “three’s a crowd” probably just didn’t know how to host. So if you find yourself irked by your partner’s wandering eye, or you’re feeling guilty about that office crush, know this is all part of the trap. Like the one I was in! I urge you, Instead of gripping ungraciously onto the idea of just sleeping with one person for the rest of your life, throw caution to the wind, swing that door open and have some new contenders touch-a touch-a touch you! And your partner! (With consent, of course.)
Embrace the Trauma Bond
Chances are, you and your partner will see some pretty messed up stuff in your lifetime. People may try to hurt you, or serve you the mutilated remains of your teacher’s nephew at a harrowing dinner, or even film your first-time having sex without your consent. That’s life!
When you’re thrust into the throes of trauma, with only 98 minutes to process it all, you may want to harden your heart and turn away from those that love you. Don’t my friend! Look to those close to you. They were probably at that dinner table, or in the other room at least. I think that’s pretty neat. It can be harrowing to explain your sordid past to someone new and confused on the logistics. Believe me, you don’t want to sit through yet another date of “so wait, they killed him with an axe? In front of you? Why didn’t you leave?!”
So if you and your partner have endured something almost impossible to explain, save your breath, and keep it to yourselves. It will bring you closer to reflect on the blood-curdling screams, the chilling images, and catchy tunes. Besides, who’s to say your story won’t be made into a beloved cult classic horror film for the rest of the world to engage in every Halloween for the rest of your life? If you’re lucky, they might even make it into a musical. I think that’s pretty neat too :)
Be Dumb
It’s simple, sexy, and timeless. I can’t recommend it enough!
When in doubt, sing it out!
I love to sing. I’m not very good at it, but who cares! I’m gorgeous. The best thing about your voice is that it’s yours, not mine, not your partner’s, and definitely not Alice Ripley’s or Susan Sarandon’s.
As they say, when world’s fail, we sing. And singing has gotten me through so much. I was proposed to in song, I was chased through the halls of a laboratory and turned into stone via song, and I even watched three people die after performing a demented floor show against my will. Isn’t music amazing?
If I can find my voice even through all that terror, so can you! I know it, friend. So when you fear for your life or want to ravage a wounded half-man half-experiment with a body like Superman’s, open your mouth and let the glorious music and lyrics of Richard O’Brien do the talking.
Be Dumb
Wait, did I say that already?